It looks like I spoke too soon this morning. The consoling thought that gets me through all the ups and downs, the light at the end of the tunnel, well, it might be wrong. In fact, as of two hours ago, there’s no ‘might’ about it. It’s totally wrong. Things won’t get better in a couple of years. We won’t be together. I’m not going through of all this uncertainty and unhappiness for a good reason. As of two hours ago, I’m going through a completely different kind of shit. Break-up shit.
I thought I’d surprise you at work as I was passing that way. And I haven’t seen you for three weeks. Obviously I couldn’t call or text or message you to let you know I was coming so I just hung around on the off chance you were there. I was so looking forward to seeing you. I was really fidgety and nervous waiting there in my car. I kept turning the radio on and then off. I did the same with my phone as I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t decide whether to keep an eye on the door out of your office in my rear window mirror or to just turn around and look out of the back. And then there you were, all surprised to see me. You were looking your usual handsome self and I was hoping that I’d at least get to hold your hand. I love your hands. They’re big and manly and look good wrapped around mine. Instead you said: “It’s just as well you’re here as I couldn’t tell you last night. It would have taken too long over Telegram.”
It turns out your wife thinks I’m after you. I’m indignant that she instantly assumes you’re blameless and I’m the conniving witch. That you’re too soft and stupid for my superior feminine wiles. Maybe, if I take pride out of the equation, she’s right. Maybe I have pursued you and you’ve been too weak to put me off and I haven’t let you. Maybe I am the one at fault – the one who pursued you and then wore you down until you gave in. Was it like that? I’m not sure now. I suppose that doesn’t matter now but what does matter is that you clearly want to call it all off. You didn’t say it outright. You skirted round it by saying that we shouldn’t talk to each in the mornings any more. Which is effectively saying we won’t see each other any more. I only ever see you for ten minutes in the morning anyway so you don’t have to be a code breaker to work that one out. I’m not going to push you to say it outright. For once, I’m going to let you do the hard work of communicating with me.